I don’t know too many people who enjoy discomfort. Many of us spend a lot of time trying to avoid it by distracting with other tasks, avoiding situations that brings discomfort on, or by using devices or substance to get rid of it. It makes sense, discomfort really doesn’t feel great a lot of the time. Who wants to feel anxious…worried…afraid…depressed…angry…hurt? Not too many people. So why would anyone be okay with having it?
Discomfort is a very natural part of life. We don’t get to live life without it. We don’t get to only feel comfortable emotions like joy, happiness, love, curiosity, or excitement. As we walk the journey of life, we must experience both comfortable and uncomfortable emotions, so being able to open up to discomfort is an important step in mental health and wellbeing. In fact, the very reason we tend to feel discomfort is because we care about something in the first place. The reason you feel angry when your partner says something hurtful is because you love them and or care what they say to you. The reason you worry about doing well at uni is because you care about achievement and providing for yourself. So your discomfort arises because you care about many things in your life.
Not all discomfort is the same. Some discomfort seems easier to accept or make room for in our life while other discomfort seems too much or unbearable. How we approach our discomfort can make all the difference in our overall quality of life.
This leads me to the concept of “clean” vs “dirty” discomfort. Understanding the difference between the two types of discomfort can provide valuable insights into our emotional experiences and how we respond to challenges. In this blog, we’ll explore these two concepts.
What is Clean Discomfort?
Clean discomfort refers to feelings that are related to the pursuit of our values and goals. It arises from facing challenges that promote growth and self-improvement. This type of discomfort is often linked to pushing your boundaries — like taking on a new job, engaging in difficult conversations, or stepping out of your comfort zone to pursue a passion. Clean discomfort can feel unsettling, but it ultimately leads to greater resilience, self-awareness, learning new skills, personal development and expand our comfort zones. The benefit of this is that we end up feeling less discomfort about the things that once triggered our discomfort.
Example:
Imagine Daisy, a young professional preparing for an important and big presentation at work. As she prepares her presentation and practices her talking points, she feels very nervous and anxious. This anxiety is connected with her desire to perform well, impress her boss, and to advance in her role. As her discomfort has arisen in response to moving towards her values and meeting important goals, it is a clean discomfort. It motivates her to prepare diligently and seek feedback from peers. Ultimately, she feels a sense of accomplishment after delivering the presentation, having faced her discomfort head-on.
What is Dirty Discomfort?
Dirty discomfort, on the other hand, is often characterised by excessive negativity and judgment towards our feelings, avoidance, or self-criticism. It can stem from unwillingness to resolve issues, getting caught up in irrational fears, or negative thought patterns that can paralyse us rather than propel us forward. Dirty discomfort tends to linger and can lead to a cycle of anxiety, shame, or avoidance. It is deemed dirty because in trying to avoid our discomfort, we end up disconnected from our values and goals and we feel even more discomfort about that. And worse, our discomfort does not serve a good purpose. We are not
moving towards what is meaningful and important and so we don’t get the sense of achievement that comes with connecting with our values to balance those difficult feelings.
Example:
Consider Harry, who has a deep fear of social situations due to past experiences of rejection. Whenever he receives an invitation to a gathering, he feels overwhelming anxiety and self-doubt. He worries what people will think of him and making a fool of himself by saying or doing the wrong thing. Instead of addressing these feelings constructively – like learning skills to better cope in social settings – he spirals into negative thoughts such as I’ll embarrass myself or No one will want to talk to me. This inner dialogue leads him to avoid social events altogether, reinforcing his fears and isolating him further. This is a dirty discomfort.
Navigating Clean and Dirty Discomfort in Everyday Life
Understanding the distinction between clean and dirty discomfort can empower you to navigate your emotional experiences more effectively. Here are some strategies to manage discomfort:
- Identify your discomfort: Reflect on your feelings and ask yourself: Is this discomfort pushing me towards growth (clean discomfort), or is it holding me back (dirty discomfort)?
- Willingness for discomfort: Willingness doesn’t mean we like the feelings. We have uncomfortable feelings whether we want them or not. Willingness therefore means being open to experiencing your feelings without trying to avoid or suppress them. Instead of pushing away sadness, anger, or fear, you acknowledge and accept these emotions as part of being human and caring about many things.
- Distance from unhelpful thoughts: When faced with a tough situation, consider the potential for growth. Shift your perspective from fear of failure to excitement about learning and moving towards your values and goals. If you think, I’ll fail, see that as but one perspective. Other perspectives are I can learn from my mistakes… I will have discomfort whether I take action towards my values and goals or whether I avoid them so which one serves me better in the end?
- Practice self-compassion: Acknowledge that discomfort is part of the growth process. Be kind to yourself when things get tough and remember that it’s okay to feel uncomfortable while working towards your goals. This type of discomfort is clean because it is not stopping you from moving towards those things that important to you in life and in the end serve you well. After all, if a friend or loved one were going through a similar situation, would you treat them with harshness and judgment, or kindness and compassion?
- Embrace Growth: Lean into clean discomfort by setting small, achievable goals that align with your values. Celebrate your progress to reinforce a positive mindset rather than getting locked into the cycle of dirty discomfort.
- Reach out for support: If you are struggling with moving toward clean discomfort, reach out to friends or family, or your psychologist for support and guidance. Sometimes a different perspective on your discomfort can make all the difference.
Recognising the difference between clean and dirty discomfort can transform how we approach challenges and emotional experiences. Clean discomfort can lead to growth and resilience, while dirty discomfort often perpetuates avoidance, negative self-talk, and persistent suffering. By embracing clean discomfort and learning to navigate dirty discomfort, we can cultivate a healthier relationship with our emotions, leading to greater fulfillment and personal growth. Understanding these concepts is a powerful step toward living a more engaged and authentic life.
If you are going to have discomfort anyway, would you want it to be in service of your values and goals or in avoidance and disconnecting you from what is most important in your life?
