Let’s talk about those big, messy, uncomfortable moments where you have to make a decision and you feel like you’re being pulled in a dozen directions. Maybe it’s whether to end a relationship, take a leap in your career, speak up about something important, or simply say no when every part of you wants to say yes just to keep the peace.

You’ve been there. So have I.

Maybe it starts with that tight feeling in your chest or the knot in your stomach. You’re standing at a crossroads—you feel fear, frustration, guilt, maybe even shame—and those questions arise: What should I do? What is the right decision?

And if you’re anything like me, you’ve made decisions in the heat of those emotions that later made you think, That’s not who I want to be… Or… That didn’t work out.

You’re not alone.

Here’s the truth—something I’ve learned both personally and professionally: there’s a very big difference between making decisions based on emotion and making decisions based on your values. And that difference can shape your story in deeply meaningful and profound ways.

Why Choosing Based on Values vs. Emotions Matters

We all want to feel good. That is a common desire that unites all of us. We crave comfort, safety, and relief from difficult emotions. We can act on our emotions to feel better when we are suffering. But here’s the catch — decisions made in the heat of emotion might bring immediate relief, but they rarely lead to lasting fulfilment. Those reactive moments often leave us with a sense of regret or disconnection from who we really are.

Choosing based on values, though, is different. It’s not always the easiest route, and it doesn’t promise instant comfort or desired outcomes, but it brings you closer to the life you want to create. It’s the life where, when you look back, you can say, That’s the kind of person I wanted to be.

So why does this matter?

Emotions are fleeting: They can overwhelm us in the moment, but they don’t define us. Values, however, are steady and reliable. They ground us when things feel chaotic, providing a solid foundation, and guiding us through even the toughest moments.

Short-term relief vs. long-term satisfaction: Avoiding discomfort in the moment might make us feel better temporarily, but values-based decisions bring a deeper sense of alignment. They can provide the confidence — or at least decisiveness — to know that we stayed true to ourselves.

Values help us navigate: When emotions cloud our judgement, it’s easy to make reactive decisions that don’t reflect our true self. But when we pause and ground ourselves in what we value, it cuts through the noise and brings clarity.

Ultimately, choosing based on values means showing up for the life you want to build, even when it feels difficult. While emotions are important and part of our experience, they can’t always guide us to the future we want. Our values, however, are the compass to get us there.

When you start making decisions from your values, you’ll feel like you’re finally on the path to being authentically you.

Emotion-Based Decisions: Fast, Intense, and Reactive

Emotions are real, and they’re powerful. They show up uninvited and unapologetic — anger, fear, shame, guilt, sadness — but they’re not bad. In fact, they’re useful data. They signal that something matters, that something isn’t sitting right. Emotions are trying to tell us something important and we should listen to them…just not make every decision based on them. 

When we let those emotions take the wheel, we end up reacting instead of responding. Emotion-based decisions are often fast, impulsive, and focused on one thing: relief. We make choices to escape the intensity of the feeling, to make it stop, to feel better right now.

In those moments, we might:
• Say “yes” to avoid guilt or conflict, even when it’s not what we truly want.
• Say “no” because we’re scared of failing or being judged, even if saying yes could lead to something meaningful.
• Shut down or lash out because vulnerability feels too risky and the discomfort too much to handle.
• Stay small because anxiety is telling us we’re not ready, even though the very thing we need to grow is just outside our comfort zone.

These choices, while they might bring some temporary relief, often take us away from the things we care about the most — our long-term goals, our true values, the kind of life we want to build.

In ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), we call this experiential avoidance. It’s when we try to avoid difficult internal experiences — like emotions or thoughts — even if it means betraying what truly matters to us. It’s completely human, and it’s understandable. But the truth is, it doesn’t lead us to the life.

We want. It’s like taking a detour that only adds more miles to the journey, pulling us further from the destination we’re trying to reach.
When we make decisions based on emotions alone, we might avoid the pain in the moment, but we also miss out on creating a life that feels authentic, meaningful, and aligned with who we want to be.

Values-Based Decisions: Grounded, Intentional, and Courageous

Values-based decisions, on the other hand, are slower. They are more considered, more deliberate. They don’t rush you; they invite you to pause and reflect. These decisions create space for you to breathe and tune in to what truly matters. They are quieter in nature — they don’t demand immediate action but gently ask you to reflect on what is meaningful and ask the
important questions:

• What kind of person do I want to be in this moment?
• What really matters to me here?
• If I weren’t trying to avoid this uncomfortable feeling, what would I choose?
  
  

Values-based decisions ask more of us because they require us to dig deep into our sense of self. Our values are not goals to achieve; they are qualities of action. You don’t ‘achieve’ honesty or courage — you live them, breath by breath, choice by choice. These are the things that make life meaningful, the compass guiding us through the mess of life.

When we make decisions based on our values, we might still feel all the things — fear, doubt, vulnerability. But we choose to act with those feelings, not in spite of them or to avoid them. That’s what ACT calls committed action: doing what matters most, even when it’s hard, even when emotions are loud, even when uncertainty is part of the deal.

It’s:
• Saying no kindly and firmly because your wellbeing matters.
• Having the hard conversation because honesty is a core value.
• Staying present in the mess because connection is more important than comfort.
• Choosing rest over hustle because you value sustainability over burnout.
So, how do you know which one you’re using — emotions or values — when it’s time to make a decision?
It’s not about perfection. It’s about awareness. You might ask yourself:
• What emotion is here right now? Can I name it without judging it?
• What is this feeling trying to protect me from? (Fear of rejection? Shame? Failure?)
• Am I making this decision to escape the feeling — or to move toward what matters?
• What value do I want to honour in this moment?

This is the work. This is the practice. And let me tell you, it’s not always neat or tidy. Sometimes we fall back into old patterns. Sometimes our inner critic throws a tantrum. But every time we pause, breathe, and come back to our values, we build a little more trust in ourselves.

And that’s not just healing — it’s transformational. It’s empowering!

ACT in Action: Navigating Emotions and Choosing with Intention

ACT reminds us that we don’t need to fight or fix our feelings. We can simply make room for them.
That means:
• Noticing your thoughts instead of getting tangled in them.
• Breathing through your emotions instead of running from them.

• Returning to the present moment — gently, again and again.
• Defusing from your thoughts — recognising they are just thoughts, not facts, and letting them pass.
• And choosing what matters, even with fear sitting in the passenger seat.

This isn’t about being fearless. It’s about being willing—willing to show up, even when it’s hard.
And here’s the thing: A little practice goes a long way.

Next time you’re in a tough spot, try this simple four-step process:
1. Pause and reflect: Take a moment to breathe and create space before reacting.
2. Identify and name the emotion: “I’m feeling anxious….scared…sad…angry”
3. Get curious: “What’s this feeling trying to protect me from?”
4. Consider the workability: Ask yourself, “Is holding onto this thought or feeling helping me move
towards what matters?”
5. Remember your values: “What matters most to me in this situation?”
6. Choose with intention: Even if it’s hard, ask “What action or decision takes me towards my values”?

The more you practice, the more you create space for your feelings without letting them drive your choices. You’ll find that over time, your decisions become less reactive and more aligned with who you want to be.

Final Thoughts
We all want to feel better. But sometimes the path to a more meaningful life isn’t about feeling better — it’s about feeling more. It’s about allowing discomfort to be part of the journey, without letting it make your
choices for you.

When you choose based on your values—especially when it’s hard—you’re choosing integrity. You’re choosing connection. You’re choosing to live fully, not just safely.

And you don’t have to do it perfectly.

You just have to be willing to pause, listen, and choose again.
Every values-based decision is a way of saying, “This is who I am. This is what matters. And I’m choosing to show up, even when it’s hard.”

That’s not just brave—it’s beautiful.